I'm finally breaking down to go buy food for my home. Been living off of popcorn, grilled cheeses & water everyday for the past 3 weeks.

Because smoking a cig & texting while standing on the median on SamFurrRd during rush hour is a brilliant idea! WhiteGirlProblems, SMH

Done with work, out from the kitchen to the bar, having a beer, listening to Hercules & Love Affair, Cut Copy, Daft Punk, & LCD Soundsystem.

How did I not know Vanessa Williams was the voice of Ms. Brown on the M&M's commercial?!? I'm just learning this

30min til work, think I'll wait & watch people who aren't aware of the solar eclipse freak out in the meantime...

"Moves Like Jagger is my favorite Rolling Stones song!" - SNL

Home, having a beer or 2, watching the season finale of SNL w/ MickJagger, FooFighters, ArcadeFire & a fond farewell to KristenWiig

Done with work, walk out to the front and hear The Juan MacLean's Happy House just randomly playing. Win. Having a beer = DoubleWin!

Just witnessed some guy toss this girl's drink & she punched the mofo out! Mind is blown!!!

Whenever faced w/ some of life's tough questions I can't help but sing Oooooo Weee, What's Up With That?!? What's Up With That?!? to myself.

To my Binghamton friends, Just imagine a southern version of yourself... That's the kind of people I deal with down here...

Thank you Glee for not destroying Meatloaf's Paradise By The Dashboard Light, incredibly impressed

Never thought I'd see the day Laidback Luke & Armand Van Helden to be just bar music people play. Even some DFA is up & playing! Nice picks!

What I love about my job, is that as soon as I clock out I don't have to leave the building to have a couple beers :) No discounts though :(

Wondering where the hell the day went already, then I remember I'm employed... Yup, off to work!

When your uterine lining looks the elevator from The Shining... Stayfree Maxi Pads! - SNL

Home from work. My 1st taxi here in Cornelius & the driver was from Binghamton as well, what are the friggin odds?! So we laughed & agreed

Pretty awesome to have a job where I get to work w/ some happily dysfunctional co-workers who listen to @UKF podcasts all day! Thankful :)

I'm pretty much convinced Henderson Rd here in Cornelius is haunted. Day or night, there's one part that just freaks me the eff out!

Cheer up, Binghamton! You may be an absolute shithole, but you could be Endicott and cause cancer...

Great day today, off to bed, have some employment to tend to in the morning :)

Today's just been full of all sorts of complete random acts of mindblowing awesomeness!

I don't mind when people say the word "chill", its just the way some people say it makes me feel like I'm talking to a scumass

Well, as good as today was, I should have figured there would be a chance that would end up in pollen rape.

Cranial sunburn... ouch.

Orientation Wednesday and Randy Travis is now following me on Twitter, could my day get any awesomerer?! HappyPants!

Another long walk to Birkdale Village for a 2nd interview, but no complaints here!

Just walked home from Birkdale Village, all within 2hrs time. Not bad considering I had to stop at Harris Teeters to get some groceries

Hit the gym, get all sweaty, then head to Starbucks & take up space in line just to get a bottle of water... Brilliant! Seriously?!?

*boots cats boots cats boots cats boots cats* House music is a going! Playing some nasty shit! RAWR!

Guys, don't go up to a girl, try for a friendly kiss on the cheek & then stick your finger up her skirt. Find out if she's a slut first.

The band did a county version of Fight For Your Right, pulled people up on stage, made a toast to AdamYauch, then did a round of jagerbombs

If anyone talks about listening to Pitbull & JLo all day cause its CincoDeMayo, correct them & tell them all black people are related
smh

"If you don't know this song, then you need to get out and go to a different party!" ShitTheBandSays

"Its a microphone!" - SNL

EliManning w/ Rihanna on an all new SNL tonight or go out for a bit? Hmm... I do have a busy day tomorrow so... Choices...

On a mission to hi-jack the decks. I don't know where, but I'll find some. Been too long & I want to play some tunes, dammit! DazWuzzup!

Is it just me or does the way Fox Soccer is said in the promos sound they're cursing? FOX SOCCER!!! What did you just call me?!?!

I have formed an addiction to putting Hershey's chocolate syrup in my coffee. Bomb.

Okay, I need to get out for a bit, BeastieBoys footage is depressing the shit out of me. Let's see what Cornelius has to offer tonight

Feeling so mixed today. Can't decide if I want to go out tonight or just sit home alone, get drunk, & listen to the BeastieBoys all night..

As much as I hate karaoke, I'd be down with a BeastieBoys karaoke night if there were one going on.

FINALLY got an interview after 7 months of trying. Still waiting on a few others to call me back. FingersCrossed! I'd hate to be homeless..

When faced with a challenge, give up, go make a sandwich only to find that despite it smelling okay, the mayo probably wasn't... FML

Still in Davidson, heading back to Cornelius now, another 60+ mins of flat-foot hell, but hopefully by Friday I'll know if it was worth it

Dear child blowing a whistle in the park at night, WTF?!? Run around w/ a black light over your head while you're at it, StupidJerk

Pushing through the pain, I have now officially left my body, still have yet to walk back. The Olson twins are about to be a trio soon

Walking from Cornelius (W. Catawba) to Davidson (near college) & back, should be crippled in a few hours...

The best way to make coffee is remembering to put coffee in the filter... smh

When someone's so drunk, they insist on putting your bill & everyone elses on their tab, is like winning the lottery but woth more teeth

Omg! James - Laid, Rockwell - Someone's Watching Me, Huey Lewis - Power Of Love, w/ Neverending Story

Genius live mashups! O-Town's Liquid Dreams w/ Britney's Hold It Against Me into Holiday Road (NL's Vacation) w/ Johnny Cash - Ring Of Fire

Why is John Earle awesome? A smooth transition from covering Usher's Nice&Slow to Garth Brooks' Friends In Low Places & killed Gin & Juice!

Kyle Korver looks like someone tried to clone Tom Cruise, tried...

John Earle playing @Rusty_Rudder right now, guess I'll be here for a while...

"I'll be waving my hand, watching you drown..." Our Lady Peace - Clumsy, great lakeside music!

Seems like no matter where you go, there will always be that white kid thinking he's 2Pac while driving a Honda that rattles...

Congrats to JessicaSimpson to finally giving birth to a healthy 18y/o girl, MaxwellDrew, who'll be attending college in the fall

Congrats to JessicaSimpson to finally giving birth to a healthy 18y/o boy, MaxwellDrew, who'll be attending college in the fall

Like a damn fool, I'm walking from Cornelius to BirkdaleVillage and back. Hopefully someone's hiring...

A flood warning has just been issued for LA County & surrounding areas, JessicaSimpson just checked into the hospital.

Damn, its hot! Yesterday I was in freezing my nuggets off, today I'm all swampy.

I still don't know what HAM means...

Closing time at Flashbacks/ Paradigm and the floor is covered with puddles of vaginal dew. Binghamton bar problems

Apparently there is a song called "Shots" that the kids absolutely love... if you don't detect sarcasm in that, then you're a dumbass

Why does every bar on State St. smell like someone shit out wet cardboard? Binghamton problems.

If I were to kill myself, you wouldn't get any insurance money. So again, its all about you, isn't it? ShitMyMomSays. Humor is hereditary.

Don't tell me "free 5 week old pitbulls" knowing I can't have one :(

MS Publisher or anything like or better? Anyone?

Rode by Binghamton High School, please tell me they didn't get rid of the tree dedicated to Katie Titus... SMH

Who knows of a good social media site where I can publicly display low self-esteem, & fish for unnecessary attention & sympathy every 10min?

Only in Binghamton will you see a someone bring a lawn mower to the store to put a case of beer on so they don't have to carry it back home

If you feel the need to mention a "Real Housewife" or "The 607" in conversation, I'll throw a random object at your face

Sorting my mp3s, managed to find 5 separate folders full of tunes I bought off Stompy a while back still zipped up. Damn, I'm Slackin!

Its 9:40pm, suppose I should get out of these pjs & take a shower. Just not motivated to be somebody today.

What's good tonight Binghamton? Other than watching some glorified dude cockfighting

Oh me? I'm in allergy hell, declaring myself legally dead from the neck up :(

I'm totally getting gang-raped in the face with allergies today, OMG...

Bored enough to run around town, holding an empty briefcase, wearing headphones around my neck, & tell people I'm shooting a trance video.

Extremely bored & miserable... Yup, still stuck in Binghamton paying rent for an apt in NC I can't get to. So glad people find it funny.

Love it when allergies hit right before I go to bed Can't sleep, can't breath, face hurts & I wanna punch a ho

Kookie Kardashian... bitch please

Drinking tropical punch vodka with pink lemonade and singing the iCarly theme song LikeABoss!

So I have Instagram... now what?

Its not garbage, its a fiasco! - Squidward

Sweet Baby Jesus! Something actually went right for me today, must be an early birthday gift. Speaking of, I'm broke, who's buying?

Wasting another 3hrs of my life in automated hell. I hope Toto's Rosanna plays when I'm put on hold for an hour, that's so my jam FML

Listening to Wilson Phillips' Hold On while on hold for the past half hour... FML

Whoever invented automated phone systems can press 1 to suck it.

Correction: I meant WheelchairJimmy, MyBad

And which Braxton are you? Toilet or Tampax?

Fail: A girl acting drunk off a can of Monster, smh

You know you're in Binghamton when you question if there was a drive-by or BMets game just ended

Anxiety meds and a nap for lunch it is. GoodTimes!

Its Springer via voicemail! "Wrong Number Girl" just called & bitched this girl out again. Girl's messing w/ her man & her brother, DAMN!!!

Binghamton: There are people going door to door claiming to be from an energy group asking to see a copy of your NYSEG bill, seems shady.

Watching the Dallas area tornado coverage, friggin bananas! Hoping all my Texas friends are staying safe!

Whenever I see the Matthews Auto Truck Mountain commercial, I just want a landslide to happen. It also makes me hate Binghamton even more

Another voicemail from pissed-off girl who still doesn't know she's calling the wrong number, now her friends are involved, so awesome!

ThatAwkwardMoment when you go to shake your drink thinking that the cap on the bottle is on tight.

(106 & Park) Terrence: "What is Machine Gun Kelly's real name?" Girl from audience: "B - Kelly Kapowski" Wow, really?!?

NotGonnaLie, after watching the KCAs, I bought a box of CinnamonToastCrunch for a free DL of a Victorious remix. 3 to go, NoShame

Cast is finally off my arm, yay! Sporting a nice "Down the road" scar on my wrist now, let the rumors begin! lol

ThatAwkwardMoment when an irate woman calls to tell her friend to stay away from her man. Calls wrong number & leaves message. TrueStory

Oh, for the love of God, get me back to North Carolina!!! ASAP!!!

I refuse to get emotionally vested in the people that appear on People's Court.

I swear, if Binghamton based its economy solely on gossip, this town would look like Dubai.

Can't wait to get this cast off my arm so my mom can stop laughing at me as she calls me Robocop. EndChildAbuse!

Everyone and everything just seem inexcusably stupid to me today.

Bud Light Platinum bottles are pretty!

Worried about my mom's overuse of "Honey Badger don't care!". Okay, she said it once, but is still a cause for concern. WhitePeopleProblems

11:11

Fact: Shutting the fuck up & Minding your own damn business, will never be on the list of things to do in Binghamton. GrowUp, Seriously

Allergies have officially kicked my ass today, I need a nap!

The most random thing today was my mother mentioning @Diplo in a conversation. What?!? MindBlown...

Jimmy on Idol was a turtle in his past life

JoshuaLedet just went to church on Idol!

The NCAA Tourney starts tonight? Didn't even know brackets were out. Guess I'm not following it this year...

Another day, another disappointment, same old shit... Yep, still in Binghamton...

TonyStewart wins. JimmieJohnson 2nd, & DaleJr. rounds off top 10. More importantly, KyleBusch didn't win! (#NASCAR)

Its 3am... did you lose something?

What's a HumanRoomba? OMFG... SNL

FACT: Fat people who wear skinny jeans have a learning disability

Being stuck at the mall, walking around in the middle of a farm expo, as your only ride home is getting their hair done, TheWorst!

Still at General Hospital, spent the night here & looks like I'll be stuck in Binghamton until the end of the month... FML

Getting surgery on my wrist today, then back to NC in the morning... yay

JessicaSanchez may have just won Idol, JustSaying

Alexis' tittays are lookin kind of crooked on WWHL, yeah?

So tonight's NewGirl was bit of a downer, but it really made me think...

So yeah... Not even in # Binghamton for 24hrs and managed to break my wrist...

Seriously people, not every moment in your life needs an artsy instagram photo. Like we can't wait to see your colonoscopy pics!

ElvisCostello covering BruceSpringsteen's Brilliant Disguise w/ TheRoots on JimmyFallon. Your argument is invalid.

Just realized I had DaysOfOurLives on for the whole hour. How the hell is this still on the air?!? Its like watching Telemundo in English

Trying to watch TheTempest like I have a friggin clue what is going on.

Watching the Netherlands at England InternationalFriendly match. So internationally friendly, the band is playing My Country Tis Of Thee.

Just discovering that today is Leap Year, neat...

I've come to terms with the fact I'll never succeed at making an omelet, ever. Because I was BornThisWay & ItDoesntGetBetter...

I'll have to say, for spending 7 sober hours in a bar, I have met some great people & hopefully some great friends tonight. This was needed.

The band is covering LadyGaga's Pokerface that's actually better than Daughtry's cover. Possible? Yes!

The band takes a break, so its a good idea to load up the jukebox? Brilliant idea! Thank your parents for raising such an asshole

The "after work" crowd shows up to the bar w/ their own bottle of wine. A big welcome to the company's ObnoxiousSelfAbsorbedDickDept

Feel sorry for the new bartender, 1st night & she has to deal w/ a douchebag crowd & vomit. This is rare here at The Rudder. BeginnersLuck

HaveYouEver got annoyed at someone for taking so long to answer a text, only to find that you forgot to hit send?

MattKenseth wins, but DaleJr should be in VictoryLane just for placing 2nd!

Love how reporters are like "#DaleJr., 2 people almost died, do you think this will give you an advantage?" Jr. punches them with his eyes

Its only 40 laps, just call the race before someone dies! Dale Sr. died at Turn3 & freakishly almost took out Montoya & a safety worker

This is the most insane Daytona500 or any NASCAR race I have ever seen! The track is literally on fire right now, WTF?!

The Oscars are boring the shit out of me, I'm going out.

If parked in the middle of a lot & there are no cars around you, but still back out of your spot, are you even able to wipe your own ass?

Some woman's talking about how hard her life is so she up and went to Hawaii for a week... BooHoo

I love how white people go crazy when they hear JayZ & Kanye's Niggas In Paris, that's their jam!

Why must couples make out in front of me especially whenever an 80s rock cover band is playing? KnockItOff!

Not feeling the rock music, should have stopped at the place bumping out some nasty moombahton, 1st I've heard it being played in NC.

Forcing myself to go out and socialize for a bit, since I haven't left my apt for nearly 40hrs, literally

Some white on white crime going on right now on @106andPark's FreestyleFriday! HoodBX needs to eat a burger, but Vicci probably ate it!

Coffee, toast, scrambled eggs, patio door open, 75 degrees, cool Carolina breeze + ArcadeFire = I'm good

A whole hour of Guru and GangStarr videos on VH1Soul. HappyPlace!

Whoa, MtvHits is playing Talk To Me by @Fergie's old girl group WildOrchid on the Hit List tonight. Random

"You look like your ma was gang-banged by a bunch of ewoks!" - Triumph ( Conan)

Think I'll finally take a shower now, and then perhaps leave the apartment, since its almost 6:30pm

75 & sunny out, but no motivation to go outside. Was going to try the gym, but the thought gave me anxiety, so I made scrambled eggs instead

"You got to reach down deep, deep in your pants, reach for things you never knew you had." - AllThat

"So I slept w/ this guy the other night, after he told me he was 28! I was like Oh my god, do I really look that old?!" Wow... Really?!?

Annoying: Almost 20yrs & there are people that still sing "Hey Chelsea" when singing along to the GinBlossoms "Hey Jealousy". Dumbass

Forcing myself to go to sleep now, have a gut feeling that tomorrow's going to be a rough one :/

By the sounds of it, my new neighbors have hit a rough patch in their relationship. Amazingly entertaining & drowns out the chihuahua, WIN!

Realizing I left my deodorant and coffee back in NY, and my coat is in the trunk of my cousin's car over the weekend... awesome!

Guess I'll try to call it a night now, will likely be up within 2-3hrs anyway from weeks of being sleep deprived.

Bertha eats 5 bottles of nail polish a day! I know damn well I ain't the only one wondering what her poop looks like! MyStrangeAddiction

Eating 200ft of tape a day? Totally normal! MyStrangeAddiction

"Francine, I haven't been entirely truthful with you..." AmericanDad

RickyGervais playing a dolphin and Stewie's daycare are killing me! FamilyGuy

"Oh here's a scratch and sniff book, Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging... OH GOD!!! - Stewie ( FamilyGuy)

I thought it would be better as a cartoon, but NapoleonDynamite is just as dumb

"Want me to spray some of my Jerk-Off on you?" - ChiefQuimby. TheSimpsons

"There's no sex like fugitive sex!" - Homer. TheSimpsona

So its officially snowing now... Not happy at all about this...

Rain has been nonstop here in NC & now its turning into sleet, fantastic! Another entire day cooped up, good thing I bought beer earlier.

Thanks rain... Not like I had anywhere to go or anything, appreciate it

Great SNL tonight, my only gripe: No Stefon & no Dick In A Box 4. Would've love to see Whitney, but Maya said it was too soon

Cosby Show parody, The Obama Show, starring Joe Jamal-Biden, lol. SNL

Wow, KristenWiig is actually breaking character! SNL

Damn SNL for being funny tonight! Missing my favorite band at @Rusty_Rudder. At least I have until 2 to buy beer

"I Love transvaginal, it's my favorite airline!" LOL! SNL

SleighBells is an awesome band, but I think they forgot to check their levels. SNL

"Oh no! Bon Iver put himself to sleep!" That was dead on! SNL

LindsayLohan hosting SNL 3/3 with JackWhite as musical guest?!?! Plans are cancelled!

JustinTimberlake?!?! Dick In A Box part 4?!?! Please let this happen! SNL

Though I can't deny that KyleBusch's driving skills, I still think he's a dickface. Whatever, still wearing my red & black tonight! NASCAR

Damn! JeffGordon went for a ride! Someone was riding shotgun!

In a weird mood today, like I'm on a high or something. So overwhelmed w/ "Ah-ha moments", my brain's going to church.

Good morning everyone! It's 7am and I have a chihuahua next door!

Big fan of Maroon5, but I think that AdamLevine himself is overrated. JustSaying, Grammys

I thought FooFighters were performing with Deadmau5? Dammit, E!

Whoops! microphone died, someone's fired... Grammys

Hey look, ChrisBrown is playing QBert! Grammys

Adele looks great! She's starting to look like KateWinslet a bit as she loses weight

OMG, AliciaKeys & BonnieRaitt together! My mind is going to explode!

"So get off your rich asses!" Love it! I seriously need to go see BrunoMars live one of these days. BucketList

Grammys had no host for 7 years, glad they chose LLCoolJ

Rihanna looking sassy!

NickiMinaj sure knows how to wear FAIL!

FooFighters performing with Deadmau5?! BeastieBoys are performing too? What?!? Grammys

Is it just me or did Carrie Underwood look a little bit pregnant? ERedCarpet @eonline

Word has it that Skrillex now has 3 Grammys including Best Remixed Recording for Benny Benassi's Cinema. Let the hate rain down! LOL

I hope Skrillex wins a Grammy tonight just so I can be entertained by the waves of hate on the internet.

Discovering that I haven't a clue how to use Microsoft Word... *sigh*

Is it really necessary to have an hour long countdown special to a 2 hour red carpet special that counts down to the actual award show?

Who came up with "Sunday Funday"? Sorry, but it just sounds really dumb.

Total Eclipse Of The Heart karaoke, makes me want to punch a vagina and hate the bitch forever!

Fannypack's Camel Toe for karaoke, this bitch gets a motherlovin' win! Mmm Hmm, that's right!

Ladies: Don't get excited when you see a guy doing a jello shot. It's not going to happen!

Hell girl! I know you ain't trying shake that expired cougar ass in front me like you have a chance! Bless your menopausal heart for trying!

Just got yelled at for refusing to partake in the CupidShuffle. Well... I'm soooo sorry for having an ounce of dignity!

What's scary? Meeting doppelgangers of everyone back home, just southern. Oh, this can't be good! lol

2 redneck guys giving Whitney a proper karaoke tribute w/ I Will Always Love You. DJ: If that don't bring her back, I don't know what will!

Does anyone else notice how singers are dropping dead right before their big comeback? Pretty much ever since Michael Jackson died.

Burning Bright is doing a cover of Tom Petty's Free Falling that is absolutely blowing my mind right now. OwningIt

Okay... So where's everybody going? Probably Saeed's. Love that place, but I'll be damned if I'm walking that far! LKN

Watch out! Here comes the Beard Brigade, all empowered by their beards and business cards!

You know that scene from AmericanPsycho where they're comparing business cards? Yeah, that's happening

Don't know much about working out, but if a guy is wearing skinny jeans & is built like TheRock waist up, he may need to change his routine

Yes! The drunken margarita "Fuck Kristy w/ a K!" girl is here, & she has a new friend! Should I warn him or watch & let him find out? Hmm...

Well... wasn't going to go anywhere tonight, but the neighbor's out & his dickhead chihuahua's at it again. Bout to bitch slap it w/ a bat!

Figured since I have resorted to wearing the gym shorts that don't fit me as underwear, it was probably a good time to do laundry.

Vanessa Hudgens said that she was shocked to learn that her co-star Sir Michael Caine is into electronic music & knows how to DJ, LikeWhoa!

How is it Friday already?! When did Saturday through Thursday happen?!

"We make the power that makes the beer..." Still silly!

Seriously, why do I have to live a block away from a fitness center? Shit is depressing! Think I'll take up cutting...

Attempted to fry up some bacon for my first time ever. Long story short... not edible

A cover of GnR's Patience that's better than the original? yeah, its happening

Full moon over LakeNorman, acoustic performance by @Simplified_band here at @Rusty_Rudder & $1.50 beer... LifeIsGood

NewGirl, OMG!

Ever have a dream so disturbing, it just screws with your head all day? You don't even what is was about, you just know it was f'ed up.

Don't know why, but lately I have a problem w/ people saying fire, as in "that's so fire". It just annoys the piss out of me!

If ever I burn my hand, nearly melting the skin off, I'd want someone there just to "shush" me when screaming in pain. Awesome movie!

Kill Katie Malone. 3 things; Irish ghosts, Nick Hogan's awesome death & Stephen Coletti saying What are you talking about?! every 5-10min.

Ladies, at what point during your intoxicated nonsense, do you turn into a friggin horse when attempting a flight of stairs?

Got all excited for a minute. Heard some raised voices in my bldg, though it was a couple fighting. But no, just 2 drunk girls gossiping...

JimmyFallon has just become the first late night host to do a keg stand on their own show. Kudos! LNJFIndy

JimmyFallon got me rolling right now! NYGiants are up next! LNJFIndy

TonyLucca & ChristinaAguilera! OMG, the MickeyMouseClub memories!

Dear NE, Get your shit together maybe I'll switch back... maybe. Don't worry, I still hate the Yankees :)

GameOver! Maybe next year Jets fans!

Does anyone not tackle anymore? A whole lot of "I'm gonna lay down right... *wait for it...* here"

What is this clustershit of a 4th quarter?! OMG!

Leno ruins everything

"You may now eat the bride..." At least wait until the honeymoon, damn...

Brady needs to quit being a pansy ass, either run it in or quit taking so long deciding where he's gonna throw. Nonsense

Madonna totally made up for the BEP disaster from last years SuperBowl

Madonna. RelevantPopStar

"I'm speed dating!" lol

Mr. Quiggly...

You down with JPP?

Well, that's a whole different Battleship than what I used to play. Rihanna looks good in a uniform though

Dave drove a Ford...

M&M's, friggin awesome! LOL!

"His tight-end is ready to go!" Football is so pervy

What, am I a Kardashian? No, you're much less hairy

Eww, seriously? So gross...

One of the contestants on The Voice this season was on the Mickey Mouse Club w/ Christina Aguilera, awkward?

Remember back when nothing happened until kick-off? Since when did SuperBowl pre-gaming become such a red carpet event?

What's great? When a girl buys you a drink just to make sure you didn't put anything in hers

Pretty sure the old guy wearing a Hawaiian shirt for karaoke will wake up w/ his face smelling like Massengill in the morning

Seriously! Can anyone be fat & out of shape around here?! I moved to the wrong damn town! I feel like Ralphie May with a tan!

Early Ray doing a country version of Blister In The Sun, awesomeness!

If you know what a colicky baby is like, just imagine the baby is a chihuahua... That is what I live next door to...

I really hate thinking, all it does is put me in a bad mood...

In my mp3s, I discover that at some point I DL'd 4 KidsInc. albums. Didn't even know there were 4! Wonder if I was sleepwalking again...

I don't get it... I'm all showered and ready to go, have one beer, now I'm ready for bed... *sigh*

Oh, what to do in NC tonight... No, really, I don't know!

I just realized today's Friday & yesterday was Groundhog Day, where the hell was I?! I don't even recall Mon & Tues, and I was sober!

ThatAwkwardMoment you catch yourself about to walk into a door, pretend to check on your car, turn around, go buy something you don't need

Just had to make my 2nd complaint about the dog poop. Memos have just been issued to all the tenants. The poop wars have officially begun!

RIP Don Cornelius :(

The weird drunk high-fiving girl is here, without the cross-eyed stalker, good times...

These two guys here, probably 50+(?) visiting from AZ, are challenging people to a game of beer pong

Having one of those "keep losing shit I had just a second ago and how in the hell did it get over there?!" kind of days...

Yeah, its like 70 out, think I should go outside while the sun is still shining...

Sadly, there are people watching JimmyFallon right now that have no clue who NadaSurf are

Just occurred to me that I've been showered & all dressed up like I'm going somewhere, but I haven't stepped foot outside my apt all day.

I can't deal w this dog anymore to the point of anxiety. And the dogs from upstairs are now shitting ON my patio. Yep, time to be a dick...

11:00 already?! Don't feel like it at all. Hell, I'm still in the clothes I slept in & I still have yet to shower! This day just flew by!

Just made a grilled cheese w/ sharp cheddar & pepperoni pizza Combos. Damn, I'm one crafty mofo!

Guy:"What's that girl in the funny hat saying to the guy in the wheelchair?" Me:"Something important" Guy:"Yeah, importantly insignificant!"

Ladies, Don't tell a guy you were on Mtv's Road Rules when that show's be defunct years ago. NotGonnaWork

Hanging w/ this dude, looks like a blonde Steve Carell, also named Steve, & victim of the drunk high-giving chick, laughing at hot messes

Guy:"You sound like a hypoglycemic breathing, shut up!" I definitely moved to the right place!

Guy on phone:"I'm drunk, don't be callin me bout a pic of you posted on Facebook! Don't be nasty and uhhh fuck you! Shithead!" ILoveThisBar

Guy to girl:"So sick of you telling people how good you look! Go get your dudes, get your numbers, just go!" I love watching drunk couples!

Had my first Gatorade shot, yummy!

Guys, Wearing a t-shirt that says "For Rent" or "Pig" won't get you the ladies in some places. LookIntoIt. JustSaying

Just had to interact with a drunk who insisted on a high five as her cross-eyed stalker watched from a distance. Hoping for a safe walk home

Ever look a fat bald guy's neck and want to glue a hot dog bun on it?

It may be the "bible belt", but a douchebag is a douchebag. Crosses shouldn't be on douchebag attire. It's live by The Cross, not by the Axe

Simplified just took the stage, the reason why I'm here tonight!

Nice recovery dude! Your drunk ass almost fell head first into that garbage can, didn't it? Yeah, I saw it

Of Good Nature are performing some pure dopeness right now. If you're into 311 and/or O.A.R, then you need to check these guys out!

Luckily I'm leaving my apartment, because my neighbor's dickhead chihuahua is about to be sitting next to Sarah MacLachlan in a minute

Guy:"Y'all wanna do a shot?" Girl:"Yeah, give me a shot!" Guy:"I'll give you a shot alright!" Girl:"You're gross" Love it!

Girl: "Quit trying to rub my belly!" Guy: "Don't worry, I know you ain't pregnant!" HAHA! WIN!

Hipster Jesus just showed up. Watch as he turns water into PBR

You know this boogie is for real...

When drunk white girls are getting down to Jamiroquai's Canned Heat, you know its because they know it from the movie CenterStage

Don't think I've ever Common's The Light played in a bar before, but the crowd is loving it. Jam

ThatAwkwardMomentWhen you & some guy are wearing the same sweater, but his is an XL because of his massive muscles, unlike you...

That awkward moment when you & your upstairs neighbors leave the apt bldg at the same time after hearing them having shower sex 30min ago.

The Doctors just did a segment on how to safely use glowsticks... The end is near.

Sad I have to lose weight just to fit into the only gym clothes I own before I can actually start going. Guess I won't be going for a while

A REALLY edited for cable version of Pirates II (w/ JesseJane & Belladonna) on Showtime right now. LOL!

When a job application asks if you have a Facebook, Twitter, even Myspace, is it a trick question? What if you lie and say no?

I managed to leave my apartment before 6pm for once! Whoa, daylight is weird...

Well, its time to take a shower and then head up to Walgreens to buy pens! DontHate!

I get so sick of hearing about these toy recalls over the most ridiculous thing. People just need to stop having stupid kids. Solutions

Yeah, think I'm finally going to take a shower now, then step out for a few, perhaps buy some pens and other stationary. FunTimes

Umm, since when did "Sounds like a parrot getting fisted" become popular to say? But speaking of neighbor's chihuahua... bout to get thrown!

OMG, they're playing Jamiroquai! Why do I come here? Because of its awesomeness!

I'm finally out of my apartment, only took me 10hrs. Fresh air feels weird.

Its just about 9pm and still haven't been outside yet, really need to get out of this rut I'm in.

A dubstep version of the I'm Lovin' It jingle in the new McDonalds commercial, smh... Biebs ain't such a bad idea now, eh?!

Well, it is after 5pm, I suppose I should shower and then perhaps take my first steps outside today.

Very disappointed in the coupon selection I just got in the mail :( Well, I guess buying coffee & pens will be today's highlight, meh...

I really hate being woken up just to be reminded that I had jalepeno peppers last night. Better turn on my ice machine...

I bet there were a lot of kids back in the 90s that didn't know what techno was up until the MortalKombat soundtrack came out.

MariahCarey lost enough weight to lip sync her own looped vocal samples from a remix made back in 92. StayPositive & MakeItHappen!

Shitty as my day was, I find a pizzeria that delivers beer or wine with your order. I am emotionally erect.

Oh great! I think my neighbor's chihuahua is stuck between the walls again. Can't stand the little bastard

This Triangle movie is kind of like Groundhog Day, but in the most absolutely fucked up way possible. Pretty much a mind rape.

There's nothing worse than a girl that think she's just as hot as Mariah Carey's before pic. AmericanIdol

All I want is to watch AmericanIdol, I need to be in a happy place after all that stress.

NYGIANTS WIN!!! And here comes the excessive online douchebaggery that goes along with it! Commence douches...

If I had known, I would've turned this Giants/49ers game into a drinking game. Every time you here "incomplete", you take a shot

Is it just me, or are TroyAikman and HarryConnickJr. starting to look more and more alike these days?

Watching Madonna: Truth Or Dare until the NASCAR Hall Of Fame Induction Ceremony comes on, because I'm cultured like that

I'm guessing the reason why people call them "9ers" is because NYGiants fans took their 40s

ManchesterUnited wins! Arsenal could've or at least tied it if they hadn't slept in the first half

TheirryHenry sitting out with an injury... Well, that sure didn't take long

I would love to be in the Beckham household right now. Supposedly one of his sons is an Arsenal fan

*Don'cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me* Don't worry, she's not... nor are you, moving on

Guy to some drunk girl: "You sweatin? 'Cause I can guarantee that you'll be sweatin your ass off later" Swag

Oh shit! Is the entire JerseyShore cast here?! Swear I just seen Sam walking around, like whoa!

This one guy's looking irritated, probably because everyone keeps pointing out that he looks identical to Vinny from JerseyShore. GoWithIt

GoesWithoutSaying but I'll say it anyway... drunkwhitegirls & Rihanna don't mix

Thanks rain for knowing I was bout to head to Starbucks for coffee. You've left me no choice but to have beer with my omelet, so suck it!

Must it rain every friggin time I have to walk somewhere?! Never get a break!

"Don't be jealous, 'cause its my hair that whips his face and not yours!" ShitDrunkGirlsSayToEachOther

The guy next to me needs a sign. The girl he's with is saying so, especially if he can't be somewhere at the time he says. WheresYourSign?

Discussing HueyLewis & The News... Yeah, its totally happening right now.

Think I just cut through a dogging site! Well, I guess if you're going to do it, what better place than a parking lot of a chiropractor

Cooter is to beaver as venison is to beef. Venison cooter... Yes, this was part of a conversation I had today. NoShame

"You know that song from Shrek?" he says... Umm... LeonardCohen? RufusWainwright version on the soundtrack. AmericanIdol

Evan is no Bieber, I'd say more like Greyson Chance if anyone. AmericanIdol

Finally got my NC ID today, HORRIBLE! I look like a (really) light-skinned Forest Whitaker, FML! At least I can buy beer now, gonna need it

This Erica chick looks like TonyaHarding. AmericanIdol

You just don't ruin a RascalFlatts song! Especially "I Won't Let Go"! SMDH... AmericanIdol

Hot and humid... Yeah, just like your daughter. ShitStevenSays on AmericanIdol. Wow...

You know you walked into the wrong neighborhood when you almost get hit by a Bentley while trying to cross the street

Best way to explain SOPA to old people; Take a black marker & cross out the clues in their crossword puzzle book, leaving the puzzles blank

Night night y'all

Stop SOPA from happening! Take a second to sign this! http://ping.fm/L5bnG And then adopt a pet, or save a pitbull

Forgot my phone, so was forced to interact with people. Ended up hanging w/ some true redneck construction workers from SC. Friggin hoot!

Stopped raining, off for some $1 beer, yay!

I just came up with the best name for an uncircumcised penis, a bishop in a turtleneck! - Schmidt (#NewGirl)

Its down-pouring and there's no sign of it stopping... so much for $1 beer night :(

Nice job being a dick, Will! Bravo! Glee

There's a 2-pound Satan chihuahua next door trying to claw it's way through the walls to eat my face. And people are worried about pitbulls?

T-Pain on Jay Leno singing WITHOUT auto-tune, doesn't sound too bad actually!

BettyWhite's OffTheirRockers is friggin hilarious!

Is there a "Shit People Say When They Shit" or "Shit People Say To People Who Are Trying To Shit" video yet? Just wondering

I've always liked JessicaLange, so I'm sure she deserved it, but I have never seen a single episode of AmericanHorrorStory

DustinHoffman clearly doesn't want to be at the GoldenGlobes

Madonna won a GoldenGlobe! And a very pissy EltonJohn didn't! Must be menopause...

I'm sorry, but I think AdamLavine is overrated.

Homeland FTW! Nice to know that the Best TV Drama is shot just miles from where I live! GoldenGlobes

KelseyGrammer forgot to thank Camille, oh wait, nevermind. GoldenGlobes

AshtonKutcher looking all cleaned up! and like someone threatened to cut off his balls! What's the matter?

Speaking of GoldenGlobes, SofiaVergara, ladies and gentlemen!

The NYGiants must have won, the internet smells like douche

Is it just me, or does MattLeBlanc look a bit like DeanMartin, but in a GeorgeClooney's younger brother sort of way? GoldenGlobes

Madonna looks a lot better with the little weight she put on, no longer a Skeletress. GoldenGlobes

GoldenGlobes tonight, along with some of my unnecessary live commentary! Someone needs to bring me alcohol, ASAP!

How the hell do you make an omelet?! I thought I knew but apparently not. This is only my 2nd attempt at eggs ever. Still can't crack though

FACT: Your best epiphany will happen in the bathroom.

Umm... What key was she singing in? SNL

Casey Anthony's dog: "I mean, where was Sarah MacLachlan in this?!" OMG!#SNL

Not quite sure if I like LanaDelRay or not. Not saying her music is bad, it just bores me, much like this SNL performance

Well throw some cheese on it! MissWisconsin gets the crown!

"#MissArizona, thank you! Now go get changed!"

MissAmerica is absolutely hysterical! The talent portion just kept me from punching my face because I was laughing so hard!

MissNewYork don't care, her dress looks like one of the moms from ToddlersAndTiaras took an LSD hit

BOOOO! MissNorthCarolina got the boot! (and yes she does!) But anyway, I think they're about to say things. Best part of MissAmerica

Pep in their step? Yes! This is the first year MissAmerica contestants will wear a bikini lined with fiberglass! SEXY!

For budget reasons, personality has been cut from this year's MissAmerica pageant in order to save time.

How the hell does the weather say 37 but feels like 42, when my testicles are getting a bronchial massage right now, WTF?!

Just made my 1st attempts at cracking eggs & making scrambled eggs. Both resulted in failure and the reasons why I never tried before

Well, that was a nice little almost 14 hour nap... what to do...

Well, its Friday, 20min til 8. Yup, time for a nap

If they should ever do a NightOfTheComet remake, DannyBoyle should direct it. In some sense, it was the 28DaysLater of the 80s

Fact: If you stub your toe, just overreact & make sure you look like a complete asshole doing it w/o making a sound, it won't hurt as much

Does anyone else see the problem here?

Perhaps I'm watching way too much premiere league football, had a dream I was speaking in a cockney accent. I sounded awesome!

Tebow & The DeBros, runnin dat!

Fact: Journey's Don't Stop Believing is a song ruined by drunk white girls and Glee

What in the Hell is a Nasty Gal Coupon? LOL

Congrats to JayZ & Beyonce on their baby. However, unless the baby is the 2nd coming of Christ, there's no need to call me. Seriously...

Heading off to watch some game somewhere. I hope its not a Giants or Jets game. I'd rather stab my face than to watch that tackyfest.

Random is hearing the DJ play Channel Z by the B52s. Really?!?

In a sports bar full surrounded by a bunch of no-neck meat-tards & feeling so left out of their witty banter. I should yell out "roids".

This guy's talking about how his old frat was banned for coke bust, was brought back years later & is now an established gay fraternity...

OMFG!!! Sisqo's Thong Song w/ Dave Matthews Band's 41? PureGenius

Any band that can mash up Sunglasses At Night w/ the Intruder Song (hide yo kids...) & make it into a song of its own gets BossPoints

Tomorrow night's episode of iCarly is called iBalls... iGiggles... IllNeverGrowUp